Alameda Wins Most Random City Trivia Award

Nesta, at the Alameda County Fair in Alameda, CA

ALAMEDA, CA – Many cities can boast their association with historical facts, such as being the country’s first capital. Other cities can brag about being the site of specific landmarks, such as statues that greeted immigrants throughout the turn of the century. Alameda, California, however, boasts neither of these distinctions. It is known, though, for the fact that 9-percent of its single-family homes are Victorian houses and that its Fourth of July parade features motorized living room furniture.

This is why the Federal Government has presented mayor Beverly Johnson of Alameda with the very distinguished and previously unheard of Most Random City Trivia Award. This is an award that was created to give the residents of the city a sense of pride and honor about being the home of the Oakland Raiders’ training facility.

“It’s really quite an honor,” Mayor Johnson said, “as it will send the signal to residents and tourists alike that Alameda is in fact the home of Charles Froling’s spite house—which is only ten feet wide and currently occupied.”

“I’m very pleased to have been a member of the Alameda community,” said former resident and NBA star Jason Kidd, “as I started playing basketball solely because the city adopted a council-manager government as a result of its status of a charter city rather than a general law city. Did you know that 112 of California's 478 cities are charter cities? I didn’t until I lived in Alameda.”

To commemorate the city’s award, the city government had a three-day festival to coincide with its county fair celebrations. Featured at the center of the festival is an oversized funnel cake. Each attendant of the festival is welcome to break away their own piece of the funnel cake and pour a little powdered sugar on it.

“Up until the 19^th century,” Mayor Johnson said, “Alameda was a peninsula attached to Oakland but was only connected by marshy land that was home to one of the largest coastal oak forests in the world. It is now an island, and each piece of funnel cake that is broken away from the larger object represents how Alameda has likewise established itself as an independent and self-standing land mass. Funnel cake is also really effin’ good.”

In Which Michigan Wilderness Guardian Goes Home

Roger, in St. Joseph, MI

Michigan Wilderness Guardian was a painted fiberglass bear slated to be part of the St. Joseph Beach Bears exhibit in St. Joseph, Michigan. After an enlightening romp through the forests of the wilderness, Michigan Wilderness Guardian thought it was high time he find his way home to join his brothers and sisters of a comparably fiberglass constitution to have a bit of lunch along the beaches of Lake Michigan.

He approached a road where he saw a sign for “St. Joseph, MN – 15 miles.”

“What luck,” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian. “St. Joseph is only 15 miles away from the very place I happen to be standing. I shall be home with my brothers and sisters in no time at all.”

After wandering for the better part of no time at all, Michigan Wilderness Guardian happened upon a small town with a church spire as its most notable landmark and a decidedly homogenized population of people. He didn’t see any beaches, and he didn’t see Lake Michigan.

He also saw no fiberglass bears anywhere.

“Excuse me,” Michigan Wilderness Guardian said to a female of the Caucasian persuasion in the 18-24 demographic, “but do you know where all of the St. Joseph Beach Bears are?”

“Beach Bears?” the female said.

“Indeed, I’m looking to settle down in my home of St. Joseph, Michigan to have a bit of lunch with the other St. Joseph Beach Bears, but all I see here is the all-female College of St. Benedict as well as a population of 96.69% white non-Hispanic residents.”

“Silly old bear,” said the female, “but this is St. Joseph, Minnesota, not St. Joseph, Michigan. St. Joseph, Michigan is sixty miles from Chicago and is known for its hosting of the Venetian Festival.”

“Bother!” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian. “I suppose that I have quite the journey ahead of me.”

And indeed he had. After journeying for 369 miles and an anticipated travel time of 6 hours and 10 minutes, Michigan Wilderness Guardian found his destination.

“Where have you been?” Bountiful Beauregard Bear and Gummi Bears on the Beach asked Michigan Wilderness Guardian after he arrived.

“I’ve just been on a bit of an adventure is all,” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian.

“Come and tell us all about it,” Bountiful Beauregard Bear said to him in response, “while we make these beaches our home from May 26, 2009 to October 22, 2009.”

“Anyhow,” Michigan Wilderness Guardian said, “it is nearly Luncheon Time.”

So he went home for it.