A Revolutionary Stroll

Susy, at Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania

When last we saw General George Washington and Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben in Valley Forge, PA, they were training the American troops in Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben’s new military model. After it was clear that Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben’s model had improved the workings of the Continental Army, Washington asked Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben if he knew of a place for them to take a break.

“Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben?”

“Yes, General Washington?”

“I’d like to take the troops for a leisurely stroll among shrubbery sculpted like animals.”

Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben considered this.

“There is a place located 28 miles from Valley Forge that will one day be the home of such a garden, but right now in early 1778 it’s only a farm owned by the Peirce family,” Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben said.

“That’s too bad,” said Washington. “Perhaps we should just pursue the British in their progress towards New York?”

“Yes,” Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin Madrich Estonich Valvonet Candor von Steuben said. “Let’s.”

The Lesser-Known Bird of Prey

Prospect Park in Brooklyn, NY

While the average American may be familiar with the bald eagle, the golden eagle, and other austere birds of prey, few know of one of the slowest-moving birds to ever grace the surface of our planet. This is, of course, the Coppericus Profilus, a smallish bird known for perching itself on random statues in urban parks and staring off to the side at an unknown object from 1859 until the planet's nuclear holocaust in the 22nd century.

Coppericus Profilus can weigh anywhere from 50 to 225 lbs, depending upon whether one is lifting the concrete base attached to its feet. The plumage colors range from copper-brown to copper-brown, and immature birds resemble a congealed mass of a poly-alloy of a currently unknown metallic matrix. The Coppericus Profilus usually mates for life, but the courting ritual may take upwards of seventy or a hundred years.

John Hunter's Great Lament

Rebecca, in Saratoga Springs, NY

On August 3, 1863, John Hunter and William R. Travers opened the Saratoga Race Course. In the weeks leading up to their cherished opening day, they debated the timing of their schedule.

“William R.?”

“Yes, John?”

John Hunter furrowed his brow. “I feel like something might distract people from coming to the track and betting on horses.”

“Distract them?” William R. Travers replied. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you know, don’t you get the sense that the rest of the town is thinking about something other than leisure as defined by gambling on the outcome of thoroughbred horse races?”

William R. Travers thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think that. I’d say that the country is in the perfect space to receive the opening of venues that host activities of a culturally peripheral nature.”

“Oh,” John Hunter said, “maybe you’re right. It’s just that men in blue uniforms bearing arms keep walking through town in a synchronized fashion.”

“I’ve been in lots of towns that have men in blue uniforms bearing arms while walking in a synchronized fashion. But you know what those towns also have?”

“What?” John Hunter said.

“Race tracks.” William R. Travers replied.

“Oh,” John Hunter said again. “You are right. Saratoga Springs really should have a race track.”

And, since William R. Travers had the vision to follow through on the race track while John Hunter squirmed, Travers got to be the namesake of the Travers Stakes, the most important major stakes race of the track’s continued 145-year history, and John Hunter doesn’t even get his own article on Wikipedia. So there.

The Waldo Hutchins Bench

The Waldo Hutchins Bench in Central Park, NYC

Waldo Hutchins was an original member of the Board of Commissioners of Central Park, and in 1932 they erected a bench to commemorate his service. Other commemorative erections located throughout the park include:

-A life-size bronze pebble created for park designer Frederick Law Olmsted (current whereabouts unknown)
-A life-size bronze gorilla created for current park commissioner Adrian Benepe (Benepe really likes gorillas)
-A bronze piece of pizza presented to Arnie Boyd (random man that prefers pizza over jelly beans)
-A bronze ottoman presented to August S. Hutchins (to go with his father's bench)
-A bronze penis (commemorates everyone whose mind went phallic when they read "commemorative erections" at the beginning of this post)

Waldo was very grateful to have had an opportunity to serve his city, and was responsible for inspiring many commemorative erections throughout Central Park.

Get your mind out of the gutter.