In Which Michigan Wilderness Guardian Goes Home

Roger, in St. Joseph, MI

Michigan Wilderness Guardian was a painted fiberglass bear slated to be part of the St. Joseph Beach Bears exhibit in St. Joseph, Michigan. After an enlightening romp through the forests of the wilderness, Michigan Wilderness Guardian thought it was high time he find his way home to join his brothers and sisters of a comparably fiberglass constitution to have a bit of lunch along the beaches of Lake Michigan.

He approached a road where he saw a sign for “St. Joseph, MN – 15 miles.”

“What luck,” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian. “St. Joseph is only 15 miles away from the very place I happen to be standing. I shall be home with my brothers and sisters in no time at all.”

After wandering for the better part of no time at all, Michigan Wilderness Guardian happened upon a small town with a church spire as its most notable landmark and a decidedly homogenized population of people. He didn’t see any beaches, and he didn’t see Lake Michigan.

He also saw no fiberglass bears anywhere.

“Excuse me,” Michigan Wilderness Guardian said to a female of the Caucasian persuasion in the 18-24 demographic, “but do you know where all of the St. Joseph Beach Bears are?”

“Beach Bears?” the female said.

“Indeed, I’m looking to settle down in my home of St. Joseph, Michigan to have a bit of lunch with the other St. Joseph Beach Bears, but all I see here is the all-female College of St. Benedict as well as a population of 96.69% white non-Hispanic residents.”

“Silly old bear,” said the female, “but this is St. Joseph, Minnesota, not St. Joseph, Michigan. St. Joseph, Michigan is sixty miles from Chicago and is known for its hosting of the Venetian Festival.”

“Bother!” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian. “I suppose that I have quite the journey ahead of me.”

And indeed he had. After journeying for 369 miles and an anticipated travel time of 6 hours and 10 minutes, Michigan Wilderness Guardian found his destination.

“Where have you been?” Bountiful Beauregard Bear and Gummi Bears on the Beach asked Michigan Wilderness Guardian after he arrived.

“I’ve just been on a bit of an adventure is all,” said Michigan Wilderness Guardian.

“Come and tell us all about it,” Bountiful Beauregard Bear said to him in response, “while we make these beaches our home from May 26, 2009 to October 22, 2009.”

“Anyhow,” Michigan Wilderness Guardian said, “it is nearly Luncheon Time.”

So he went home for it.